Relaxing doesn't get you pregnant.

It doesn't. It just doesn't. And if one more person says it to me I am going to fucking scream.

Seriously, It is my fault a little. I am very open about our IF. But, how many times can I say, "I can relax all I want but, it doesn't make Stephen produce better sperm, it doesn't make me produce more eggs, and it DOESN'T stop me from having a miscarriage. It just doesn't."

I do get that stress doesn't help but, guess what, I can't forget that I want a baby. I can't go into a catatonic state at the doctor's so that I don't remember the appointments. I can't get rid of the other stressors. I can't stop worrying that my brother might start using drugs again and could die. I can't stop worrying about where I will be working next year since the numbers are down in the middle school. I can't stop the fact that money is tight. I just can't.

I having SUCH a hard time right now and I just want to do something silly to all those "just relax" people. Like something out of Harry Potter. Maybe I could make them vomit frogs or something.

GRRRRRRRR.

1/2 a pill of Clomid

So, when I went into the RE for my CD3 stuff today, I had to meet with one of the other doctors.

She was surpised that I was doing Clomid since she knew I was really scared to do it.

She said that she has had some nice results using only a half a pill of Clomid. (She even has seen nice results using 1/2 a pill over 3 days rather than 5 days.).

She recommends this for some of her patients who are scared of multiples.

She said if I try it and only produce one follie, well then I still have one follie for this IUI and next month I can try the whole pill. She said that the two of the three female doctors are trying 1/2 a pill on a lot of patients and my doctor is not. I have no idea why.

So, I talked to Stephen and he really wants me to try the 1/2 of a pill.

So, that's what we are doing, for 5 days.

Hopefully it works. She said I might see 2-3 follies rather than 3-4 follies.

What do you think? Am I being stupid?

Asthma and HSG

So, I got the nurse on the phone. Apparently the dye is a shellfish derivative and could cause asthma symptoms. I explained that mine was very mild and I am NOT allergic to shellfish. They said I would have to go on six days of prednisone!! Kill me.

But, then the nurse called back and said the doctor at the radiology office said I didn't need it. I don't know why? I didn't ask questions.

I am going for the HSG on Tuesday at 2pm. My sister is going to take me. This should be fun. Do you remember my post from when I went camping. She is pleasure to hang out with. I don't want DH to waste anymore days off. I really want to go away in August and I want him to take off for the IUI's. I think they count more.

So, yeah.. asthma and shellfish and hsg. Who knew?

J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS

Okay, a non-infertile post, if you will humor me.

I love the Jets. I only started loving football when I met my sweet hubby. He was the only guy to explain it to me and tell me fun facts during games. Other boys just shushed me or ignored me. Stephen got me into it. But, even when I wasn't into football I loved the Jets. It is in my blood. Genetic. My grandpa was a HUGE Jets fan and I had to like them. I may have been tortured into submission if I didn't. He was also a Hofstra alum. (This will make sense in a minute). Anyway, when Stephen proposed, not only did he convert to be a Catholic, but, also to be a Jets fan. (No big deal, The Titans suck and He hadn't been to his Methodist chuch in years).

So anyway, Jets training camp just opened. We have been there twice already. I brought my autograph hat the first day. And my cute Brad Smith jersey (by cute I mean, the jersey and the player...tee hee). I got some fun signatures and chatted up a few players. Then we went to Cherbet's. This is a restaurant owned by Wayne Cherbet (a former Jet and a Hofstra alum, my Grandpa loved him). The manager started chatting with us and offered to take my hat and get Wayne to sign it. So, awesome! My grandpa would have been proud. I handed it over and agreed to pick it up on Saturday.

We went to the the Saturday practice and who was signing autographs.. CHAD PENNINGTON. And I DIDN'T have my autograph hat because Wayne Cherbet had it!!!! Boooooooo.... I was so sad. SO I grabbed my Mom's hat and stood next to Chad. We are on a first name basis now ;) I was pushed, whacked in the head, sweated on, and smushed. But, I did get the autograph for my Mom and I did listen to Chad converse with the fans.

He is nice and really fun. I have heard how INCREDIBLY nice he is. And he is!!!! So in conclusion, Greenbay, I don't want your Brett Farve. I want Chad. Who cares if he can't throw the ball. He is SOOOO sweet!!!

And that my friends, is why all my previous boyfriends didn't involve me in football.

This is me in my custom made, Brad Smith, stalker jersey.

And this is Brad Smith, wearing his own jersey. (#16)

And here is Chad. I was there. Right next to the guy in the green hat and green shirt. I am just short and the guy behind me was shoving my head into the fence. Nice. Seriously, my brother was getting so mad, he wanted to punch the guy.

WTF?

So I call to get the HSG appointment and they start asking me all sorts of questions. One was, "Do you have asthma?".

Me- "Yes (pause), Very mild though".

Lady on phone asks me a few more questions, then goes, "I don't know if we can do this test if you have asthma?"

Me- "Why? Seriously I use my inhalers a few times year, and mostly only when I get bronchitis. What could the problem be?"

Lady- "Well is has to do with the test prep we do."

Me- ????????????????????????

Lady- "I will have to talk to the doctor and then I will call you back. I have never had a patient who needs this test but has asthma before."

Me-????????????????????????? When can I expect to hear from you? (Yes, with a real bitchy tone)

Lady- "In a few hours."

It has been 5 hours. It is 9:05. I don't think she is calling me back. But ladies. If I am not mistaken this test does not inject me with brochitis germs, ask me to run a mile, or increase the heat to 97 degrees and the humidity to 100%. Right? Because, if not, I am not having an asthma attack. I am talking I have MIIIILLLLD asthma. It is more asthmatic bronchitis than anything.

I could just scream.

Back from the RE

Okay. So it went okay. We talked for LOOONG time about everything. I cried like a jerk.

He wants me to try Clomid at 50 mg. We talked and talked about twins and trips and what not. My chances are higher than most peoples on Clomid. But, he put some perspective on my incompetent house (1 bedroom). Something I kind of have been thinking but, people tell me I am nuts. People do it all the time in small houses. If we have to we put twins in the living room for a while and then when the market swings back, we get a bigger house. We traded stories of sharing a room with 3-4 siblings. Guess what, I am not all messed up from it and neither is he. So if it happens, it happens. I just have to give it up to God and realize that I will handle it.

He also understands why I have such a hard time with believing the small chance of having twins. My Dh is a Clomid twin. So, he says "in your mind it is a hundred percent because you have your own case study". He's right. And in the end. Dh's side also had natural twins and we don't know why he was a twin, Clomid or family history.

I am having the HSG test. Probably early next week. He says "it is time for that test". He doubts that there is anything wrong but, he says that it increases your chances of getting pregnant and there is always a chance that I had one tube blocked. (I got pg once and miscarried). Dh's motility has soared in the last few months with no explanation why. He still has the varicocele but, I guess that is just one less obstacle.

I am very, very upset about taking more aggressive measures. But I guess we have to if we want a baby. He did mention IVF which freaked me out. At first he just said that if I have a crazy response to clomid they may convert the cycle to IVF (since I have the coverage) or just cancel it and re-eval what we are doing. He also said that after 3-4 cycles of clomid he wants to consider IVF. So that was really scary to hear. But I guess I just have to deal with it. And make that choice when we come to it. Anyway.. Thanks for listening and for all the kind words.

Three strikes and she's out!!!

I started to spot yesterday. It is still very light but, there. I am sure it will pick up today. This was my third and probably final unmedicated IUI. We always said we would do 3 and then re-evaluate.

I have a consult appointment with the RE today. I don't know what our decision will be. I guess I just need to hear the doctor out and voice all of my concerns.

1. I am insisting on the hsg and I think he wants to do that too.

2. I don't know if he is going to suggest that DH go back to the urologist to get his varicocele's repaired. His counts have been a little lower but, still fine. But, his motility is going up each time!! It was actually normal last time. So I don't know that I see the point in the surgery. I also don't know why we aren't getting PG if he is doing better. I am scared there is something with me that we missed. Hence, the need for the HSG.

3. I am sure clomid will come up. I guess I should hear him out. I am just so so scared. I have a STRONG family history of fraternal twins and the doctor told me that would up my risk of multiples with Clomid. We only have a one bedroom house and in this market we have NO equity and would lose money if we sold. We bought at the height of the market If we got twins we would make it work. But, I think I would have babies sleeping in my living room. My bedroom is too small for two cribs and I am so scared of that. I just don't want to do anything that encourgages mulitples. But, if we aren't getting PG with one egg, what is to say two or three eggs will all fetilize?

Sigh.... I am very nervous.

I am also going to address my concerns with the IUI timing.