The trials and tribulations of our journey to make a baby.
Monday, June 30, 2008
I brought my Grandma to a fourth dentist appointment today and then made her come with me to the RE for my CD3 bloodwork and sonogram. Hey, I have wasted almost every day of my vacation taking her to the dentist, why shouldn't she suffer a little? ;)
Everything is cool. We are still following our plan of 3 non-medicated IUI's. I was called into a doctor's office after all my tests. It was not my nice, calm, and non-alarmist Dr. S. It was someone else. She was like, "after this, Clomid." Okay, I knew that was a possibility but, I also know that Dr. S. said "We will do three un-medicated cycles and re-evaluate." I want an HSG. I want to discuss why these cycles aren't working. I want to discuss if surgery to correct Stephen's varicoceles is the best answer. I don't want to be told anything!!!
I didn't like this doctor lady. She told me to make a consult appointment with Dr. S. before the end of this cycle to discuss our plan. Of course, he has a nice long vacation in the middle of my cycle. So the next appointment at that office was August 4th. "Would you like to see another doctor that we have here, Mrs. F" No, thanks. Especially not that lady I just talked to. So, I am driving 1/2 hour to see Dr. S. at the other office on July 28th. If I don't get PG, AF will have just landed. I don't think that is that so bad. If he wants me to start Clomid, it won't be too late and I don't really know what cycle day the HSG is done on. Does anyone know that?
P.S., Don't get me wrong, nothing is wrong of Clomid. I am just terrified of it. We have a one bedroom house that is 750 square feet and with this housing market, we will lose money on it if we sell right now. So, twins are a really, really scary concept for me. We also have a strong family history of twins naturally. So my fear is that Clomid will give me twins or triplets. I know we would deal. I just don't know how. I really hoped the un-medicated cycles would work for me.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Well, I don't know about you ladies and gents. But I am getting hammered tonight.
Actually, I do know that a few of you will only be ordering virgin drinks.. YEAHHH!!!! :)
But, anyway my little bro is due home tonight. He is coming all the way from Dyess Air Force Base in TX. to spend 12 days leave with us!!!! YIPPEE! We usually place bets on how long before he gets home that one of us starts a big fight and we fall right back into our old family routine.. Ahhh family.
Unfortunately, there are major delays at the airports and Continental stops flying out of Houston at 7:30 pm and his flight from Abilene to Houston is delayed until 7:45 pm. So, unless the flight to New York is also delayed he will be spending the night on a chair in Houston, unless the USO is still open for him to crash in. And then our strawberry picking plans for tomorrow are all screwed up.
I told him to wear his camos and maybe he could garner up some good old fashioned patriotism and get switched to an American Airlines flight but, he is too honorable for that. Boo him. But, I am so excited to see him. I just really wanted to share good news with him this week and alas, I have none. Nor do DH and I have anything terribly exciting to toast to on our anniversary. Life sucks.
You guessed it. BFN. I am just waitng for AF to arrive today or tomorrow. What are the chances that my dumb ass reproductive system chose now to regulate itself to a 14 day luetal phase. So, mabye she will come Saturday. Who the heck knows? I am sure I will have killer cramps for the family reunion in the sun on Sunday. UGH... I hate Aunt Flo. I really do.
All I do know is this. I will have AF on my anniversary on Monday. Yipee. That means I get no nookie. Very sad for me. And for DH, too. But we do get fondue. Lots of fondue. More than I can handle. YEAH, Melting Pot.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The only bright side is this. I am a speech therapist that works in schools, thus a school calender. If I got pregnant this month, I would have taken 12 weeks and then come back for the last 2 or 3 weeks and then taken off the summer. If get pregnant next month, I get to stay out from delivery until September. So, maybe this just wasn't the right month for us.
However, I am holding onto a very thin string of hope. We'll see.
Friday, June 20, 2008
I had my progesterone today. It was 17. Good, No? Last month it was 13 on this day so, more is better. I am very pleased. Does anyone know if progesterone numbers can predict pregnancy? Probably not. I am about to enter week 2 of the TWW.. We all know what that means. Bring out the crazy, irrational, emotional, pee on a stick addicted, symptom analyzing, lunatic. I did survive week one but, week two is a whole other ball park.
Today was also the last day of school. I am working summer school but, that is SOOOO different. Much less kids, 2 half day sessions, and we just don't give a flippin shit. :) So today I did several dances of happiness as I said goodbye to most of my kids for the whole summer and I started two weeks of work free happiness. Some of my favorite kids did graduate or move onto other schools and I was a little sad. But seriously, IT IS SUMMER.
I went out an put back a few drinks with people from work today. That was fun. I peeled labels on my beer and everyone called me sexually frustrated. If they only knew the stress that was causing me to peel like a nun. A bunch of ladies turned into cougars on the dance floor and attacked poor unsuspecting young men, all while the principal looked on. DON'T GET WASTED AT WORK FUNCTIONS PEOPLE!!
I also picked up my new patio furniture today. I have been waiting and waiting for my summer paycheck so I could buy it. It is in boxes on the patio. DH refuses to set it up until Sunday, since we have plans tomorrow. It is supposed to rain on Sunday. Anyone want to take bets on how long that set will sit in the boxes? Anyone?
Did you ever see those doghouse things where each family member has a name on a dog and you can hang them on a hook, "in the doghouse". Dh would be in the doghouse now. I WANT MY NEW PATIO FURNITURE!!!!!
Monday, June 16, 2008
I fought with my sister, my mom and my DH. I was crazed. I am so tired of all of this and I don't think I am cut out for IF. I just don't think I have the fight in me. I have had a lot of really good fights, my childhood being one of them. Then this crazy year (grandpa dying, money sucks, my brother is recovering from drug addiction, my miscarriage and on and on). I just don't have anything left to give. I really don't.
And people are stupid. I was at lunch telling a story about how I was going to go out Friday, even though I felt crummy (from my IUI mind you) and when I saw how crowded the bar was, we left. I never once mentioned IF or pregnancy. Well, everyone was like, "why did you feel bad? Are you dizzy? Do you have a sense of smell that is increased?" They were all giggly. I kept saying "no, no, no" and they kept pushing. So I finally yelled, " I AM NOT PREGNANT! I am only three days since my IUI!" They all got quiet and looked at me. What they were saying wasn't cute and I tried to change the subject but they kept pushing.
So there you have it. I am psycho and everyone knows it.
Friday, June 13, 2008
107 million swimmers with 95% motility AFTER THE WASH!! I know that's good. I am just very negative this week. So we'll see.
After all my jokes about the IUI being on Friday on the 13th and this being my 13 cycle I found out some nice things about today.
It is the feast day of St. Anthony. The Doctor of the Church and the finder of lost things.. Hmm maybe he will find my sanity?? Maybe I won't be crazy this month. He is usually depicted with Baby Jesus becasue he miraculously appeared to him once. So Baby Jesus, Babies.. hmm maybe there is a connection.
In Italy 13 is a lucky number. I don't know why. I really tried to find it but, I couldn't.
Also, In Sikhism, the number 13 is considered a special number since 13 is tera in Punjabi, which also means "yours" (as in, "I am yours, O Lord").
Now that I really like. I am yours, Lord. I am placing this in your hands. So I am turning this around. 13 will not be my unlucky month and day. It will be whatever God makes it to be. BFP or BFN, I am going to try and not question it this month. But I will be lighting a ton of candles in church today!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
First of all, let me tell you how much I love the idea of total strangers hearing stories about my junk. Secondly, I (like most men) don't know 'shit from Shinola' when it comes to this baby-making business. My lack of knowledge comes through when I attempt to keep my mom updated on our progress. Usually, Tricia gives me a dirty look, tells me I'm screwing it all up and leaves the room. I usually continue butchering our conception story to dear mom, Tricia meanwhile, corrects me from behind our closed bedroom door. Here's how it usually goes:
Me: Hi momWell it goes on like that until Tricia takes the phone away and I get back to watching the Yankee game.
Mom: Hi Steve (sometimes she calls me Robert - my brother's name. One time she called me Gizmo - that was our dog's name. One time she called me Jason, but I don't know who that is)
Me: We had a meeting with the doctor, and it looks like my mobility is...
Tricia (from the other room): Motility!
Me: Well we are going to try In vitro Fer
Tricia (still in the other room): In utero!
Me: In utero
It's not that I'm disinterested in the whole process, I really want to be a father more than anything in the world. And not for selfish reasons like having someone else to keep Tricia busy while I relax or watch football. Being a father would also keep my mom from bugging my brother and twin sister about making her a grandmother. She is more obsessed with Tricia becoming a mother than Tricia is about becoming a mother.
Tricia doesn't know that I posted this, she actually trusted me with her login information to edit her last post and I invited myself to post on her blog. I know, I know...just like a man...so this could be my last post, it's been fun ladies.
Like Tricia mentioned in the last post, we've got a date with a sterile cup tomorrow morning. Keep us in your prayers, because I'd love to tell people that our kid was conceived on Friday the 13th and we can name "Jason".
I am very negative about this cycle. Partly because of the lining issues, partly because I am a pessimist. I just don't think this month will do it. Of course I am going ahead with it but, I could use all the prayers and good vibes I can get.
Dh is coming with me this time because I gave him so much guilt about not coming last time. Darn it, he should have been there. So he is coming. Maybe that will make the difference? Ahhhh, I need to relax. I am bundle of nerves. Maybe it is good thing I rescheduled my hair appointment for tonight. I always feel better after that. I need a pedicure reeeeeaaaaalllly bad so, I think I will do that on Saturday. That will relax me. Especially if I got the place that uses the hot stones as a foot massage.. MMMMM... I am relaxing just thinking about it.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
So my lining went from 5 to 7 since Saturday. They said that is the minimum they like to see. So I am getting into the range and I don't need estrogen. My lazy little follicle however, only went from 15 to 16 since Saturday. I was supposed to ovulate today ( And I thought I was going to go early this month!!).. Guess not. So, they said I am just going to have a long cycle. The good news is that my lining has a few more days to get nice and thick.
I have to go in on Saturday for another sonogram and more bloowork if I don't get a + OPK before then. I was like, "well of course I will have my IUI and + OPK before Saturday". She is all ,"Don't count on it". She has no faith in my ovaries. LOL.
However, having an IUI on the weekend won't be so bad. I cancelled my hair appointment for Saturday morning just in case and I was able to guilt the salon into giving me an appointment for this Thursday evening. Thank the Lord! I was starting to look like a psycho.
Oh, and my fertility bracelet broke again. Symbolism. I can't keep the darned thing on my wrist. It's like the universe is laughing at me. Ha Ha.. No baby for you.
And I hurt my knee. I have no idea what I did to it. Hopefully, I just bruised the muscle and nothing too serious. I was walking into the pool and suddenly I was on my back clutching the rail for dear life. My knee didn't start to hurt until a few hours later and now I can't walk. Good thing my students have graduation today. I should look really cute walking up the stage with a mega limp and ice on my knee. UGH. If it gets worse I am off to the doctor.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
My sister made me a beautiful fertility bracelet a while back. I loved it. But it kept falling off and falling apart. I recently lost it. This makes me so sad, but this weekend she made me a new one. This time she made it with stretchy stuff rather than the metal links and pretty toggle. I loved that first one but it hurt my arm when I wrote and well.. I broke it and then I lost it. I won't let myself get into the symbolism of my fertility bracelet breaking so many times and getting lost..... Ugh.. LOL
Here is it. (I spent countless hours researching these stones and charms online when I first made the bracelet a couple of months ago. I found most of the stones and charms at Michael's or A.C. Moore. I had to go to a special bead store for the first turtle I got. I really loved that one, but I lost it with the first bracelet. The new turtle and the shamrock were from earrings whose matches have since been lost.)
-It has a butterfly for my miscarriage. There is also an ancient Celt belief that in order to get pregnant, one must swallow the soul of a butterfly. To the Greeks the butterfly was the symbol of the soul, and it was believed that each butterfly was a human soul searching for a new incarnation.Early Christians also believed that the butterfly was a powerful symbol of the soul.
-It has a turtle, Because turtles are fertile. :) Or something like that!
-It has a clover, I have Irish heritage and well, clovers are good luck right?
~~And the stones.. (I fully admit that this gets a little weird and witchcrafty but, desperate times call for desperate measures. ~~
-Rose quartz (the love stone) - helps achieve emotional balance and brings positive energy to relationships. It is also known for enhancing sexual well-being and promoting confidence. I also read that it promotes healthy pregnancy and prevents Miscarriage. I love this part because, "WHEN" I get Pg I can still wear it.
-Moonstone (the feminine stone) - has long been associated with women and their cycles. Specifically, moonstone, which has a soft internal glow much like the moon, helps balance menstrual hormones and soothe stress and anxiety.
-Aventurine (the earth stone) - represents the healing powers of Mother Earth. Green aventurine promotes fertility, prosperity, and good luck for those who wear it, and is said to have a stabilizing and calming effect.
-Freshwater Pearls- These are the most closely tied gems to fertility. Since oysters are natures aphrodisiac, it would seem that the pearl would also contain some of those properties. Lastly, it is thought that since it requires patience and time to create a pearl, just like the patience and time required to create a baby, is why the pearl is so powerful to fertility.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
I went today for a sono and bloodwork to check out my follicles and see when they thought I would be ready for the IUI. I have one dominant follie on the left side measuring 15. So, I have 3 or 4 days until I surge. Which is about right for me. That is the good news.
The bad, or maybe bad, news is that my endometrial lining is "a little thinner than they would like to see". So my instruction was to come back on Tuesday to see if it thickened up on its own. If not, I might need some estrogen. They also said that if I surge on my OPK's before then to come in for the IUI. I would not get a sono at that point. So I ask, "well then how would you know if the lining was too thin?". I was told, "well, you probably wouldn't". So I asked what a thin lining means. She said something about implantation. Since I have had a miscarriage, I am freaking. YIKES.. I am trying not to be negative but, I am thinking this cycle is a bust. Only time will tell. :(
Which brings me to how I will spend the rest of my night. Searching google. I will probably diagnose myself with smallpox before the night is through. So, Au Revoir, my sanity. I will hopefully see you again sometime on Tuesday.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
What great timing! Thank you so much for sending the note. Now I need to get off my but and send one to someone else!!
I feel all warm fuzzy!!