The trials and tribulations of our journey to make a baby.

I would die for that.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I called the doctor.

Okay I was worried all day so I took everyone's advice and called the doctor. He told me that 24 to 21 is not a drop. He was really understanding that I am so scared since today is my m/c date from last year. He said the numbers look great and that progesterone fluctuates throughout the day sometimes as much as 5-7 points.
I feel so much better. I needed that reassurance. He told me that I am being very much monitored and just made me feel so much calmer.
I am little sad since he will be raising money for the March of Dimes next Tuesday and will not be there for my first sono. But, he did tell me in advance not to expect to see a heartbeat yet. He said that would come in about 2 weeks from today. I am REALLY glad he said that because that would have been my next freak out.
So anyway.. thanks for all the support through my little freak out.. all is well.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Okay.. Here's the second Beta...

And Here's why I am freaking out a little

Beta #1- 619
Beta #2- Somewhere between 1100 and 1200. That's not doubling. I don't remember the exact number because I got so upset. But doubling is like 1230. I know it's close.. but remember that tomorrow is the day I miscarried last year.. and I am a little freaked out..

But the real freak me out numbers were the progesterone..
Prog #1- 24
Prog#2- 21

I have been searching Dr. Google all day and I can't find anything that says for sure if Progesterone can fluctuate in early pregnancy. In my mind.. the number went down. This is it. It's over.

The nurse said both numbers looked great and that I shouldn't worry. As long as the progesterone is over 10-15, I'm cool. If not I get supplements. So, I know she said that.. But, I don't believe her. Why would it go down. She was like, "don't worry if it gets around 15 we will give you progesterone". Fine. But my next appointment isn't for a week. (next tuesday is our first sono)

Ahhhh.... I am losing it. I have been weepy all afternoon.

Edited: I thought the better of posting the second part of this and took it off. ;)

Update: I put a call into the RE and asked them to have the doctor call me back. I need to hear form him that all is okay and that waiting a full week to do more bloodwork is fine.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Beta number 1!!!!!

So, honestly, I was so nervous I forgot the number. It was either 650 or 690..ish.. But in the upper 600's.

Progesterone was 24!!!!!

Last time the day I started to miscarry the beta was 500 at 5 1/2 weeks. So this is already way ahead. I did a due date calender this morning.. it looks like June 3rd! Gosh, that seems so far away! It is also on 3 days from my last due date. Please tell me there will be a time when I will stop comparing this one with the last one?

We go Monday for a repeat beta!! I am starting to feel excited. eeeek... girls....I'm pregnant!

Friday, September 26, 2008


I just went onto Lost and Found.. and it said my name under pregnancy announcements! I double blinked.. really. Is that what the two lines mean? I haven't really been able to say that word yet, pregnant. Forgive me, the rest of this is just rambling.

Our first beta is tomorrow. I can't wait to see the actual number. I feel good about this pregnancy. It feels VERY different than the last one. And I guess I want it to. Last time I had sharp, stabbing pains from the first day. And I didn't make it to 6 weeks. This time, dull AF like cramps. Not strong and not often. I am thirsty and my boobs hurt. That's it. That is just fine with me right now.

I walked by a maternity store today and I looked away really fast. I passed the IKEA baby room section and I did let myself linger for a second. Just a second. I have to protect my heart. But each passing second is making that harder and harder. I also almost poured myself a glass of wine before I remembered.. no wine. That was weird. It kind of just stopped me for a minute.

I guess I want to take a moment to acknowledge all the people who have read this blog and given me support when they don't even know me. I can't tell you what that has meant to me. I have very few people in my life who I can talk to about how I really feel or who just understand what infertility does to you. THANK YOU for being that for me. I really appreciate it.

next update: the beta numbers.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Does anyone want to interpret this?

Holy Crap.. I am so scared! I need this to end well. This almost exactly a year to the day from when I concieved and miscarried last year. Please God.. let this be true.

I will say that last time the line was a ghost and this time it came up INSTANTLY and is darker than the control line. Stephen and I are shaking and crying.

I'm baccck.

oh oh oh oh oh... oh oh oh oh ... the right stuff.

The concert was unbelievable!!!! I have NEVER had so much fun at a concert in my life. Never Ever!! They sounded so good. It was like a giant sing along. My throat hurts from screaming so much! It was hysterical! If they come near you.. please go see them. Realize that it is, of course, cheesy, but, so freaking fun!!

and.. um.. I'm late. I am trying to think about it too much. I have been late before and I have slight cramps. I am pretty sure that she is coming.. but, she hasn't yet. I think I might test tomorrow but, I don't feel like I am pregnant. I know I should test. But, I really don't want to. These cramps just feel like AF? Anyone have experience with AF cramps around the time of the BFP? Do they really feel just like AF?

Okay, Here's the pictures.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I didn't test!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is 14 DPIUI and I didn't test at all this month!!!!!!

Go me.. Go me.. Go me..

I am really proud of me! This is the first time in the 16 months of TTC that I didn't test... Of course I can feel AF ready to come.. boo AF. She should be here by tonight or tomorrow. But, nothing is getting me down tonight. IT IS NKOTB NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can honestly say.. It is much better not testing. I didn't have to look at that BFN this month. I didn't have to dissect the test to hold the strip up to the light.. Yeah.. (sheepish).. I do that.. LMAO.

So go me!

Next post.. NKOTB recap!!!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Thank You.

To all those who have been sticking with my miserable depressing blog and still offering support.. I thank you. You have no idea what that means. Sometimes I have such a hard time discussing this with people I know. They get sick of the sad stuff. And let's face it, the past few weeks have been full of it. I just hope that once I get past this week and early next week that I will start to feel better and that my family will pull together and heal the unit and my brother.

From the bottom of my heart.. thank you.

P.S., I swear there will be some funner (not a word) posts to come. Maybe after Wednesday's concert!!!!!

Bad "milestone week"

So, I made up with my Mom. I didn't know what else to do. I was so upset yesterday... Here's the milestone's I've got going on this week:

Yesterday: 1 year from the day I found out I was pregnant.

Today: My Grandpa died today, last year. One day after I found out I was pregnant... (there is no way I continue to fight with my Mom on the anniversary of her father's death)

September 30th: One year since I started to miscarry.

So, yeah, tough week.. coupled with all the craziness about my brother. He had some drug dealer arrested ( my Mom made him since she got threatening text messages to her phone, since Matt borrowed it for a few weeks awhile ago). He was threatening to kill him. So, they contacted the police who joined up with the NYPD to arrest the kid. He has a restraining order. But, now he is a "snitch". I am so worried about him. He is so scared. He is afraid someone is going to come after him. I guess a real fear, though. I can't even believe this is my or his life. My dad and DH took him fishing last night to get his mind off things.. and I guess, show him some sober fun.

To compound things.. pms is coming on full force. Af should be here in 3-4 days. AND I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK TO DO!!!! (this Saturday class is going to be awful.. thank god it is short and over on Nov. 1st... but, there is double the amount of work in half the time!!)

The only bright (and, well, it's pretty damn bright) spot in this mess is that Wednesday is the NKOTB concert. I will let nothing, and I mean, NOTHING interfere with that night!! My girls and I are going to go pre-game a little somewhere and I have the hottest outfit to wear. So... looking forward that that..

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Bad period cramps... What's that all about?

Anyone??? It is way too early for them to be this bad. Usually it is just mild cramping around now. Maybe AF is coming early? Ugh.. Who knows.. I also have a sore throat and a little bloody nose.. that isn't TTc related.. it's fall.. welcome back allergies.. I missed you all summer.

I have no good news about my brother. Yesterday, my Mom took him to the police to get an order of protection against some drug dealer that was sending death threats to his phone. I only know this since my aunt told me. I haven't spoken to my Mom, Dad or brother since Thursday. It is killing me. But, I am so angry at her that I need to just step back. Today she called my aunt to tell her to call me, to tell me, to call her.. ????? Grow a set woman and call me. I am NOT apologizing for telling you what I really think of your actions regarding my brother. And isn't getting an order of protection only going to really anger the already angry drug dealer? I am pretty scared to even go near thier house. The guy knows where they live since he went to high school with them. The cops can't arrest him unless he actually attacks my brother.

But, I have just never been so sad. I can't even think about smiling. I know it is because I am fighting with her over my worry about him. I never go more than a few hours without talking to my Mom. This is killing me. And I just don't see anything coming out of this but, my brother's death.

10 day post IUI....

Officially in testing territory..

I will not test.
I will not test.
I will not test.
I will not test.
I will not..... well, we'll see.

I have my first class this sememster today... FROM 8 to 5!! I am so not kidding. And the teacher is a little evil. I hear that she keeps us until 3:30. It is 6 classes on Saturdays. There are two weeks off scattered in between and it is over November 1st.

How awful is that? There goes enjoying my fall.

Friday, September 19, 2008

International talk like a pirate day

Some silliness to distract me from the horror that is my life this week..

That link is an english to pirate translator.

And that is a website explaining the holiday.


Arrrrgh.. shiver me timbers.

P.S. Here is a great pirate pickup line to romance your husbands with tonight...

"Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me lice ratio"

Or if that doesn't work... and, I mean, why wouldn't it..

"I've crushed 17 men's skulls between me thighs."

(okay that one is a little dirty.. I found those on one of those websites I linked to)

The pickup lines for the men are much, much better....

lifted from......

Top 10 pickup lines for the male pirate...
10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?
And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
1. Prepare to be boarded.

Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't)
They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing?
Wanna shiver me timbers?
I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.
Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? … Oh, wait. That’s for Talk Like a PARROT Day.
That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Let's get together and haul some keel.
That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


So, I can't even update on the events of yesterday. We didn't get him home until midnight and the emotions are just too raw right now. I am so angry at him and at my mom.

I have to put it aside and get through work. Then I can deal with all this.

I have finished the first week of the TWW... I started cramping yesterday (like very mild AF) but, that is just probably a signal of a very bad PMS.

P.S. Thanks to everyone for all the well wishes and prayers. They are truely appreciated.

Prayers needed again....

Please please please. My brother was arrested last night. We thought he was sober again from his last relapse. I don't even know what to feel. We are picking him up after his arraignment tonight after 24 hours in lock up. We are going to try to convince him to pick up and leave Ny and move to Tx with my other brother. I don't think he will want to do it. But, I don't see him living much longer with the poisonous influences here.

We thought he was dead this morning when he didn't come home. We found his car by his friends house in front of a sump and DH was walking through the sump looking for his body. I can't even believe that it came to that.

Please, take some time tonight to pray for him. He is such a good person with an amazing heart and the best ability to love.... he is suffering from a terrible addiction and I can't lose him. My heart is breaking.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My new outfit!

So last month while in the TWW I went to a store and fell in love with a pair of pricey jeans. But, you know.. I could have pregnant so I didn't get them... sigh... Stupid. However, I promised myself that if I wasn't pregnant I would go back and buy them.

Since yesterday was pay day.. I went back.. I figured I have to go a NKOTB concert next week and Joey Mac would love to see me in new jeans, of course. ;) So, not only did I get new sexy jeans but, I got a new top, new necklace and cute short sleeved black jacket to wear over it all!!

I think I will wear my sexy peep toe pumps with it. So, of course I need a pedicure. AHHH.. Pampering myself is nice... as is leaving beyond my financial means.. LOL.. Hey if I can't get pregnant, I might as well look good!

Quicky question... I needed knew jeans because my old ones are too faded. I hate them now. But I read once that you could use RIT dye to re-darken your jeans... Does this really work? Do they look good as new.. or kind of crazy?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Two week waiting...

While this is fun... it only occupies a few minutes...

What do you do to waste time during the tww...

by the way.. If I am popping bubbles online at 4dPiui... this is going to be a long two weeks.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Where were you?

Seven years ago today, I was in grad school in PA.

I remember rolling over in bed and turning on the news. Both towers had been hit. I was scared out of my mind. I called every family member in NY but, the line was busy.

I had no idea what was happening. I went to school to have the teacher cancel class. He said, "If you need to use our office phones to get in touch with your family, you may". I was the only one from NY and I blurted out, "I can't get in touch with them". Everyone just looked at me, quiet.

And then I went back to my apartment to wait. I remember driving and looking out over to the mountains in Bloomsburg, towards NY. I was so helpless.

My dad worked in the area and I had no idea what to do.

Then I finally got through to my aunt, also in PA. She knew nothing either. But she asked me to come to stay with her in Reading. I didn't want to leave my place until I hear from my family. I needed to be where they could find me if they got through.

I called and called. Busy busy busy..then finally a ring,

" Your call can not be connected due to the tornado in the area".

That was when I lost it. Really. I just wanted to get into a car and drive home but, I knew I wouldn't get home.

So, I waited and finally I got my mom at work. Everyone was okay and she was getting her stuff together to go volunteer at NYC hospitals to help survivors. She is a nurse. But, there was no one to be helped. She was turned away at the place where they were all supposed to meet to get assignments.

I couldn't get into NY to see my family for over a week. Then they finally allowed people over the bridges. I got home as soon as I could. I believe it was the second weekend after 9/11.

I will never forget how good it was to hold my family. Never.

And because of that day I will never live far away from my family again. Never.

I have NEVER felt so helpless and alone in my life. I hope to never feel that way again. I couldn't even hold the ones that I loved that were in NY watching this horror unfold. I couldn't do anything.

Tonight when I look out in my front yard I will see the tribute in lights from NYC. And I will never forget. Never.

I was one of the lucky ones who didn't lose any close family or friends. Of course, I knew people who knew people. But, I did lose something that many American's lost. The feeling of security and safety. I can remember jumping everytime I heard a low flying plane. In fact I still look up. I think I always will.

God Bless those who lost family and friends. This day is awful.

Where were you?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

All done...

Quick and easy. I didn't even feel a pinch today and was confused when the doctor stood up. She was done??? But I didn't feel it. She said, "well everything was very open today. That means we timed it perfectly"... OH god.. please let that be true.

She had me lay on my right side since I am ovulating from my right side. She never did that before. She said, "Maybe gravity will help".

So since I took a half day today I put myself right to bed.. on the right side with a pillow under my hips.. Come on gravity!!

Now I am eating my favorite lunch.. Chicken noodle soup.. Campbell's of course. And then I am off to work...

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Lucky number.. ummm... 5???

Tomorrow is my 5th IUI.. Yikes.. I think I have been going at this for too long!

I have been at the RE every day since Friday and I even got to bond with some sweet ladies. About 4 of us have all been there the past 3 mornings and we got to know each other. We want to do a study of how many educators have IF. Seriously almost every single person in the waiting room was a teacher or worked in education (a couple of us speechie ladies). It is weird.

Has anyone else noticed this?

Okay.. and here is my heavy topic for today...

We were talking at lunch yesterday about Sarah Palin. It was two infertiles and one older lady ( sounds like the start of a bad joke ;) ). So, the older ladies goes, "I don't want to offend you two that are going through fertility treatments but, Sarah is in her 40's and knew she a baby with Down's. She should have aborted. I'm sorry but, abortion is there for a reason and some people really need to abort."

So, it took all my strength not to throttle her. She is new to our building but, I have known her for years. She definitely didn't make any new friends yesterday. Lady, you work in special ed. So, I guess all women who know that they are carrying a special needs child should abort?? Why? She said it as if it was cruel to bring the child into this world. I called my Mom who is a L&D nurse and she says that she hears that opinion all the time. But, even thought I am pro-life, I am of the understanding that women in America have a CHOICE! And that choice can be to keep your baby, regardless of his disability. No one should be chastised for their choice. That is what Pro-Choice means right? It doesn't mean that someone can dictate your choices.

I guess I just have a hard time with her feeling that way when she has dedicated her life to helping special needs children! AND.. she knew it was going to strike a nerve with the two infertiles in the room. She just 3 minutes earlier talked to us about how hard IF is and all that we are going through. She knew we were both having a rough time with this.. She said that she knew it might offend and then she continued to say this awful thing. So, was it just nothing for her to say something so hurtful?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Update on my follie growth

Well, it looks like IUI #5 is in the very near future. I didn't do my OPK this morning so I am wating for the results from my blood test to see exactly when IUI #5 is coming.. but, the lead follie is at 23... I am thinking that the IUI will be tomorrow. I will know more later.

The second follie didn't catch up and my lining eeked up to over 7.

I know that Clomid gives you more mature follies... check.. fine.

But, it also should give more follies, as in quantity.. so why have I not had more than one follie each month yet? I guess quality over quanitity.. but, come on... two would be nice.

I know it only takes one.. but, one hasn't worked for the last year a half.

P.S. I have to present something at two faculty meetings today and I have such a fear of public speaking.. Wish me luck!! (fainting)

Saturday, September 6, 2008

screw you hanna!!

So, Here we are thinking we are more than a mile inland and Hanna won't even bother us. We go to a party and see the "winds".. not so bad... but, we were inland and thinking... what storm? Well, we come home (about 1-2 miles from the nearest water) and the ceiling in the bathroom has a major, water filled bulge in it... Great a roof leak.. Great. I guess.. the shore areas were harder hit???

I don't even know how this is handled... It is midnight, almost, and my Dad said he would come over tomorrow.. Ugh.. I don't even know what we will do. This is bad..

Pray that it doesn't mean a whole roof replacement.. I don't even know where that would come from, finacially speaking.


Well it looks like we had a clogged gutter that backed up the water onto the house. So, thank god we don't need a new roof. We just have to cut out the drywall in the bathroom and replace that small section.

Friday, September 5, 2008

I am a slow grower this month....

I went in today (Cd11) for my sono and bloodwork.

I used 50 mg of Clomid and I am waiting for my surge for my IUI.

But, I only had two dominant follies. One was 15.5 and one was 11. She said the 11 could catch up but, for now the 15 was the dominant one.

And my lining is only at 5...

SO, I have a ways to go. She said that sometimes Clomid can make your cycle longer or shorter. Last month it gave me a beautiful 28 day cycle.... But this month... will be longer.

I am getting anxious. I just want to get on with it!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I'm Back... The most amazing night ever!!!

Seriously, This trumps all.. I may never shower again because I don't want to wash the "Joey" off of me.
My favorite moment was this one...
I am showing Joey my shirt (in which I proposed marriage)..The convo goes like this...
Joey: Marry Me?
Me: Wait look at the back..
Joey: (laughs) I will have to ask my wife.
Me: That's okay. My husband really isn't too okay with it either.
Me: can I get a hug?
Joey: (gives me the longest most gentle warmest hug ever!!!! Seriously.. Not a little half hug tap on the back.. A nice hug... from which I pulled away first...Why oh why??? )
Then I go to the nasty walmart ladies who have taken my camera...
Me: Can you take a picture of us together?
Lady: No, No pictures you need to move on
Joey: Hold on. She asked me to marry her. She gets a picture...
Me: ( on the floor fainted)

Oh My God... Look at his eyes...

Then I totally hooked up my sister. I gushed to Jon about how much she loved him so he asked her name and signed the Cd "to Laura, xxx000 Jon Knight".. THen he gave her a huge hug and kiss on the cheek..

This is her getting a hug from Donnie(she in the blue jacket)

Then... Donnie was soo funny!

I go "can I get a hug" He goes, "You want a hug from me but, you wanna marry Joey?? "

I told him how this is a childhood dream come true and that I could never afford a concert when I was a kid. He goes, "good, so come now" I said, "I am, I have tickets."

Here he is scolding me for wearing a "Marry Me Joey" shirt. I have been told he is checking out my rack.. Who knows.. Maybe that is the story I will tell. "One time Donnie checked out my rack!"

So yeah... Awesome... And Joey is an awesome hugger and I would like to snuggle more with him... please???

I saw the Fertility Statues...

I don't know why this picture is sideways and I can't flip it.. So turn your head... :)

And I met "The Rock"

Okay, He was wax.
But the MOST EXCITING news of the day!!! I got my wristband to get my NKOTB meet and greet tonight!!! WHOOOHOOOOOO. Watch out Joey, I 'm coming for ya!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Ripely's Believe it not Fertility Statue!!

I found this article online.........

“Please Don’t Touch – Unless You Want a Baby!- More than 2,000 women have reported they became pregnant shortly after touching the wooden statues. Many of them had been told by doctors they would never be able to conceive! Since the women’s stories became public in 1994, millions have visited the statues. Beginning Aug. 26, the statues will be on display for a three-month engagement in the lobby of Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Odditorium in Times Square.

Would-be parents are invited to come in and touch them for FREE during regular business hours. The five-foot tall wooden statues were acquired from the Ivory Coast (Cote-d'Ivoire ) of West Africa in 1994, and were placed in the lobby of Ripley Entertainment’s corporate headquarters in Orlando. Within months, 13 women, including staffers and office visitors were pregnant. Following a December 1996 story in the Wall Street Journal chronicling the phenomenon, the demand to touch them became international news.

In the ensuing years, the edifices made three trips around the world, stopping at Believe It or Not! museums, allowing millions easy and free access. They were retired to the Ripley warehouse in 2001, but due to great demand, they were put on display at the Ripley headquarters in Orlando where they have been seen by hundreds each month who made a special pilgrimage to see and touch the statues. “For years now, we have been inundated with requests to make these statues available once again at our odditoriums throughout the world,” said Edward Meyer, VP Archives & Exhibits for Ripley Entertainment. “Amazingly, people are still finding out about them and call us wanting an opportunity to come in and touch them. Due to this demand, we have decided to tour them again.”

I think I am going to meet my husband one day after work this week and we will walk over to see the statue and touch it. Kind of funny though. I wish I could go in today but, I am taking Grandma to the dentist. boooo

UPDATED: I asked my Grandma to switch her doctor's appointment, since I only found out I was taking her last night... and we are going to visit the statues... Do you think they will let me lick it? Or get naked near it? LOL... Okay... Tricia, There is the line... you crossed it. Ohhh boyyy... the hot flashes have gone to my brain. I love Clomid.

Updated again...

I finished my NKOTB t-shirt.. It is fabulous... I am rolling laughing here at the thought of wearing this thing in public. Although I did wear a "snape, friend or foe" T-shirt to the Harry Potter book opening... LOL... I am SUCH A DORK!!

This is the front:
(the "Joey" is in pink sparkles)

And here's the back:

Monday, September 1, 2008

"How was your Summer? Are you pregnant?"

Yup... that will be just about every conversation I have tomorrow...

It's official.. Summer is over and school starts tomorrow. The kiddos don't come back until Thursday and we have two days of horrifying meetings to sit through. UGH....

I know that I am well loved at work and everyone just wants to see how I am doing. So I can't and won't just brush them off or tell them to bug off. I will answer each question honestly but, briefly. They care and want the best for me.. I just have to keep repeating that in my head.. over and over.. and hope that no one walks in with a suprise pregnant belly that they gained over the summer...... Is that evil to think?

Goodbye summer....... Hello, school!!!!

(p.s., I am going to buy the new kids on the block CD at walmart tomorrow to get a pass to get into line to get thier autographs on Wednesday... Yes, I am a loser. And I got my Joey pin from Ebay this weekend... Annnnndddd I am making my NKOTB T-Shirt tonight. I will be sure to post pics of it as soon as it is done!) Okay.... snicker behind my back. Go ahead... I don't mind.. HA HA